Thursday, 28 May 2015

Why didn't mom ever tell us about miscarriages?

Ok, so I know this is a bit of a heavy topic, but it's something that I really felt like I needed to write about. This past holiday season, my husband and I were crushed by a miscarriage. I can't begin to describe all of the emotions that go along with that - disbelief, shock, immense sadness, anger, frustration, sheer devastation... the list goes on. When we got pregnant back in October, we knew the risks - we knew that a miscarriage was possible but as we all often think, it won't happen to us. We just were not prepared for what was to come - like, not even close. When it hit - when the news hit that we had lost the baby - we didn't know what to think, who to blame, how we should feel and what was going to happen next. I had never felt so unprepared for anything in my entire life. I was an educated woman, in her 30's, pregnant and ready to be a mom - how did I know nothing about what comes with a miscarriage? Why had I not talked about this with my girlfriends who had experienced it before, why did I not even know that many of my closest friends and family had been through this... but said nothing.

When the news hit us, we did what felt natural to us - we reached out to our friends and family. We were on the phone all night talking, crying, sharing in our pain. We were not embarrassed or ashamed - we were honestly confused and scared and looking for as much support as we could get as we moved forward into this enormous unknown.  

As the days went by, I was shocked at how many friends, co-workers, friends of friends approached us and told us stories about their miscarriages. It was like we had suddenly become a part of an elite club - for members only - and we were inundated with stories and heartbreak. Why hadn't I heard about these stories before now? Why didn't our friends tell us what was going on with them? I just couldn't understand this part. Knowing that others had gone through the same thing was helpful - made us feel less alone and honestly, less responsible - we didn't blame ourselves as much. But all I could think about was that I could have used this information before  all of this happened. Why did everyone remain so quiet about their struggle when my husband and I were here ready to shout it off the rooftops. We wanted to talk about it and we needed to talk about it. Did that make us weird? We felt a little weird .... many people we talked to were very uncomfortable with the news and really didn't know what to say. Many people tried to avoid the topic and wanted to talk to us about the weather or the upcoming holiday season. What? We just had a miscarriage - why the hell do I want to talk about your stupid holiday plans. Miscarriages make people feel uncomfortable - that's a fact. 

I remember feeling very  hurt that people were not reaching out to us. They heard the news and obviously felt badly for us, but because of whatever reason - I assumed it was their own discomfort with the topic - they never followed up with us to ask how we were doing. Did they think that we didn't want to talk about it? Or by bringing it up, it would just  make us remember it and feel worse? I wanted nothing more than for this to feel normal - like a death - it happens and we do have to move on - but I felt so avoided. No one wanted to acknowledge the life that we had lost and I simply couldn't understand that.

Sadly, a couple of months after our first miscarriage, we were struck down by miscarriage #2. At this point, I just looked to the sky and said "seriously... two in a row?" But, once again, we rallied together and found our own way to grieve and accept what was happening.

As little girls and young women, we learn all about what it means to be a mom and the joys and turmoils that come with being pregnant and delivering a baby. I have watched my sister and my close friends all have babies and I can say with confidence that I know a lot about being pregnant, the delivery process and what it takes to care of a new born baby, but sadly, I knew nothing about what happens when that baby is taken from you. Mom never told me about that.... no one did. 

I don't have any answers to most of these questions that I've posed here... these are just my thoughts that I felt I needed to put down on paper or out into the universe. I know that its hard to ever be prepared for a death in any way - there is no 'how to' manual for dealing with a miscarriage (well.. maybe there is). Everyone has to deal with it in their own way I guess. For us, what has helped the most, is talking about it - we have not buried it away in our hearts and put smiles on our faces pretending it never happened. Our hearts are still broken but mending a little more everyday around that scar that will never fade and our smiles are real as we face the reality of our situation and are hopeful for our future. I'm going to keep sharing my story with others not only because it helps me in my grieving process but because I hope that in some small way, it might help another couple sharing the same experience. 


  1. Hi, Just came across your post while reading blogs on miscarriages. I'm recently in the same boat and I must ask, did the Dr give any indication as to why it is happening? I keep searching for reason as to why, I've had 3 so far. Also are you going to continue trying? I feel so hopeless :(

  2. I understand that hopeless feeling all too well. First off, please know that you are not alone in this. Ever since this whole thing started, I've met so many women who are in the same position and are feeling just as frustrated and confused. My husband and I are currently seeing a fertility specialist in hopes that we can find some answers. Speak to your doctor - seek answers. I know that things seem bleak, but everything happens for a reason and you will get through this!

  3. Kim,

    I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you two have had to go through. I'm glad you've found some healing in talking about.


    1. Thank you Mimosa for your kind words. We are staying positive :)